2 years & thousands of patients later…

"The days are long, but the years are short" pretty much sums up residency. Here I am, looking back on 2 full years as a physician, shocked at how much I have grown in such a short time. 500 babies and 180 C-sections later, I am about to become a senior resident.

There have been so many highs -- or perhaps I should call them memorable moments -- where I somehow maintained composure in clinical scenarios that previously scared the s*** out of me:

• Riding the bed during a cord prolapse.

• Managing postpartum hemorrhages.

• Resolving a shoulder dystocia.

• Successfully performing an operative delivery after already having a pop off.

• Delivering a baby within 5 minutes of calling an emergency C section.

• ...and plenty more.

Somehow I have learned not only how to execute these skills, but how to do so in a way that makes patients feel secure. I owe this to the attendings I learn from and seek to emulate on a daily basis. The ones who never become flustered, even in the most stressful situations. The ones who exude a calm confidence that radiates throughout the room.

I distinctly remember watching my first STAT C-section as a third year medical student. There I was, standing in the back corner of the OR doing my best to stay out of everyone's way. I remember being in awe as the resident went from making the incision to delivering the baby in what felt like seconds. The energy in the OR quickly shifted from chaos to calm; an indescribable feeling which I have now become quite familiar with.

Now it's me holding the scalpel. Appreciating that moment to pause after cutting the cord. Taking slow, deep breaths in an effort to lower my heart rate. Redirecting my focus from the baby to its mother, who lies open on the table in front of me.

Every day, I have the privilege of taking part in so many joyous and celebratory moments with my patients. However, with this privilege comes the burden of the devistating outcomes.  I am forever changed since the loss of my first neonate. Truly the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

I started writing down the names of my patients who pass away -- calling it my "list of angels." Up to 4 already, 2 neonates and 2 women taken too soon by ovarian cancer. Reminding myself to always maintain my humanity, no matter how hard it may get.

So cheers to being halfway done with residency. Anyone who has worked with me knows I have been looking forward to the transition away from being an obstetrics-focused junior to covering gyn major surgeries in the OR. Bring on the hysts and ex laps!

Now that I have solidified my decision to pursue gyn oncology, I know my list of angels may become quite lengthy but I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. Excited to keep learning and growing as a both a surgeon and a clinician.